Collusion: Part XXXIV

You know I don't think I minded being left alone. I didn't. Maybe you're one of those people who just wants you to walk past and not say anything. You know... like when you stub a toe... and that hot wave of endorphin rich pain washes over you? I'm one of those people. Id much prefer not to be noticed. If you tried to help me now I would bite your arm off at the elbow and then spit it at your mother.

I've heard from people from back then... the Senators. They've contacted me since... apologizing. Offering 'sorrys' for being 'immature'. Some sent long long emails, some through Facebook. And days after a house fire... they would likely bring me water-balloons and salt water taffy.  We went from spending hours in a big group laughing in the big empty dinning common to nothing. I couldn't speak to them. I couldn't look at them. Don't get me wrong I was mad at them for me... but ever so much worse. I was shocked stupid. I was shocked silent because they brought danger to us. Some consolation all those late dinners together were now...our jokes and snickering catching the attention of the hostess staff in the building, who on occasion would waddle over to make sure we weren't actually enjoying ourselves. Things change. Let's just say if they ran for an office now, I might do some campaigning against them. Not just because they were selfish.... it was because of what they nearly did. They nearly took my family.

Do you know though... I hit upon a little stroke of luck in those nasty times. A gift you might say. I discovered something. The fatal flaw that saved us in the end. Or at least saved us for the time being.

Work was a fuckery. I had a headache that was bearing patiently into the back of my eyes. My eyes were watery from it and I could feel the edges of them burn when I closed my eyes. I didnt have any advil, and there was none at the store. I wasnt shifting that day. Drive through had been steady. It may have been a thursay. It feels like it was that or a Tuesday. As the memory of it simmers in my mind. Either way much lunch break finally lumbered around. I had thirty precious minutes to get to publix, and buy some pain killers. Maybe something to eat and then storm back into work in time to mop the lobby. That was plan anyways.

I had located the pills I needed and was looking for something in a jar, or maybe some soup... ah that was it. I hit on a sub. That'll be fine. Someone was calling. The name on the phone was Laura Thompson. It was rare that she called. I mean she and I were friends, but we only hung out tangentially... whenever I ran into her or saw her at church. She was a very pale skinned girl with big watery blue eyes. Dark wet looking brown hair that always had just too tight of a curl to it. Or perhaps rather a shade too tangled. Some call it the natural look. I do not. She was most notable to me because she was emotionally sanguine and chiefly concerned herself with every lost cause that was just so lost as to be time wasted. She prayed a lot from what I can tell. Im sure she meant it a lot too. She dressed like an English teacher who desperately wanted to be an English person. Alac.
I picked up the phone.
"Hi."
"Josh! Where are you right now...."
"Im at publix... I cant get rid of this headache... Im getting lunch what's up?" I was baffled as to why she would have called me at that hour.
"Josh... we need to talk like right; right now." There was something itchy in her voice it sounded like panic.
"Oh... well we are talking... aren't we? Whats wrong?" I prompted. I had 30 minutes. I could eat or then not eat. I was going to eat.
"Sooo.... Ive been talking with Chris and Ray..."
My pupils narrowed.
"And Josh I cant believe it! You're totally gay... Like you're a homosexual!" She spat into the phone. Her words were making the same sounds children make when they're eating pudding.
"Huh?..." I stood still on aisle 5 at the publix on pelham rd.
" Where are you right now?"
"I just... like I said Im at publix. Ive got thirty minutes to my meal break. I dont know what you're talking about. I have to go."
"OK ok... WAIT... Josh hear me out. Im on the way to where you are stay there. Im coming."
"I uh. Ok..... "

She hung up. Undoubtedly she and her clan of other natural looking people had simply been riding around... guessing where I may be. I mercifully made it to the end of the line at check out and was on my way to the car... Maybe I'd luck out maybe she wouldnt be there.
She was. She called me in the parking lot. I saw the name on the phone but just slid the bar to ignore. She stalked up behind me in the parking lot. Eyes so much the more than watering.
"Josh! I cant believe this!... Why didn't you tell me?"  She squared her shoulders at me. This other girl that was with her hung back like back up. Perhaps its a HAZMAT thing... 2nd stage protocol, in case I escaped.
"Why are you here right now?" The pain in my head was melting away, and I could feel a strange black coldness growing in me. Swelling quickly like a summer thunderstorm. I could feel that behind my eyes now quickly wiping out what was apparently just an imagined headache.
"I have thirty minutes to eat and try to get this headache under control and go back to work. What were you hoping to accomplish here."
"Josh! You're not listening. Ray and Chris... they told me everything. They told me how you and x were together! I'm here because I don't know what to do. I mean I cant just not tell people...You have to know it's wrong right?"

You know those scenes from action films. The ones where a protagonist watches as a large structure falls. The camera pans around and the score drops out... no sound at all. In some cases just a single high pitch is audible in the back ground. This happened then. And just as quickly I knew what must be done.

"What exactly, in as few words as possible did Ray and Chris tell you?" I said quietly, hawk-like.
"Well um.... " She started forming tears. "They said that you two were like together... that you had been for a while, and nobody knew about it. They said that they couldn't be involved with it anymore because... because Ray said that he knew that it was wrong. It's true isnt it!? I mean... It has to be right? Does Amanda know about it? I want to help you!... But i dont know how....Let me help you!"

I stared at her. Remorseless. Feeling out the play. Like I was playing a game of pool. This must strike that. This angle must strike that. A little chalk... a little luck. Go.

"Laura. Im not sure what all people have been saying about me. But to be honest I don't really have time to chat with you. I don't know why Ray or Chris would have said any of that. I have to go to work now. Your concern is appreciable. I have to go now." 

All of the was delivered with a succinctness nearly absent in my other talks with anyone.
I got into my car and drove the less than a mile back to work. I wasn't hungry anymore. I wasnt anything anymore.

I carbon copied three people to a text and pressed 'send.'

Something has happened. Dont speak with anyone. We need to meet tonight. 10:30 I'll come to you.

Collusion: Part XXXVIII

"Oh but that Sarah Vogt! She's just so.... Uhn.... " I said letting my eyes roll back in my head a little. I was lazing around the dorm room on those blonde wooden chairs they leave in the rooms, as if people are supposed to enjoy sitting on them. "she's not of this world" I said shaking my head whist full. "she's.... I dunno. Some kind of perfect. "

"I know... " Said Matthew.... Also shaking his head. "I know"

"She just breathes tone... It just pours out of her and spills around. Shes not even trying. " I mentioned. We had just seen her perform and Matthew Primm and I were just giddy with it. The performance had smoke and grandeur and guts. Hell. I don't even remember what she played now. I'm damn sure it wasn't Haydn... It could have been Krystler though. The performance sparkled like a broken mirror, and danced like dune grass in the sea breeze. We were both taken a bit back by it. Like that feeling that you get when you've seen a really good sci-fi flick. You know the bit where you fall into the story nose first, like someone pushed you off a dock at the lake from behind and you didn't expect it. Just like that. You walk out of the theater all squinty eyed and imagining the world in ways that it can not be; Your mind all drenched in falsehoods.
Matthew was a sort of lanky blonde guy with a prominent nose. He was studying to be a string teacher... He and I got along very well. I think it's because we both knew school was full of silly ninny heads and we would be out sooner or later. Matthew was different from me though. He meant it when he prayed I could tell, and honestly I did it because people expected me to.

"Aaaaand she IS gorgeous! Hello!! " I proposed. Eyes wide.
" I know, I know..." he said looking lost.
"Well why don't you ask her out or something.... Buy her some coffee? " I asked. If he was so wracked with lust...then I reasoned something must be done about it.
" Well, I ran into her in the hall in the music building the other day, and I tried to chat a little after the concert." He said. An obvious reach.
Sara was the kind of good looking that happens in Klimt paintings, and had that same sort of aesthetic. All scarves and floral prints in sand colors. Tapestries. She was hung about with mystery. She was elegant. In truth she was Matthew's undoing for most of the semester. And but who could blame him.

Bells rang in the hall and it was time for prayer group. I think that was the semester that Josh Roland was our group leader. Todays lesson was about confession...
R: "The word tells us that he who confesseth and forsaketh his sin will find forgiveness. You know I know we're not the closest room and all. I mean I feel like I know you guys pretty well. But there are for sure ways that we could build room unity."
(I'm sure at this point I was pretending to read something else that had caught my attention in the Word, and typically twirling my hair which was/ is my 'go too' stress relief ritual.)
R: "Josh you look like you're thinking about something...." He said with a silly doberman smile on his face...
I really hate when people say that. It makes me feel like all the other times when they're not looking they're sure Im not thinking at all.
ME: "Oh... I've just.... had a lot of spiritual growth in my life lately.... ya know big changes"
I... I really haven't been happy with the person that I am..."
Everyone looked at me. Like it was a surprise that I could feel anything other than sadness.
The truth was I had said that without preparing any follow up whatsoever. How very impetuous.
ME: "Yes.... uh. Big big... changes" I gestured and my eyes were wide.
Matthew: "Oh really? Medlin? Change?" He was on the edge of laughing I could tell.
R: "What made you think something needed to be different...?"

I took a deep breath. Whatever my recently acquitted besetting sin was it had to merit mentioning in prayer group.... What could it be though?! ... Lust? Porn? (Oh wait those are kind of related).... Stealing? Nah too complicated... Bulimia? Guff, that ended in high school...

R: "Josh?"
ME: "Ah! yes I said surprisedly... Im sorry I must have drifted off. Well I've decided that Im a Republican now..." I said earnestly.

Matthew was laughing outright. I was aching to but didn't even smile.
Roland looked around wryly...
R: "Any other dark secrets?... Anyone?"

I jabbed at Matthew
ME: "Christ rode into Jerusalem on a donkey Matthew... show a little respect."