How shall I speak of vacation? Where shall I begin? Exhaustion. Completion. Insight. Confirmation. Delight. Speculation. Excess Excess Excess. Sun of the kind that you can be certain will turn you a brown had only in the Mayan Riviera. I mean… Ive been wearing 45 since the beginning, and am now the color of some old grand-mamma biddy’s piano. We’ve spent 5 days on a ship called elation. It’s inexorably efficient. In a way that makes analogue time pieces other than Tag Hauer look shoddy. Two days ago I hadn’t touched my lunch. Got up for a moment to find a fork. When I returned my place setting completely evaporated… leaving me with a surprised look staring at two forlorn little blond children eating jelly. Not Jello. Jelly. Oh… I don’t know what special amalgam of happy pills they have these little brown worker bees on… but it’s working. And I’m envious. I think it’s a combination of a work ethic that has been imprinted on them by their society, and the knowledge that they will be able to by each of their 12 children a new iPad 2 for Christmas.
I started running 5 miles a day in preparation for what I knew was going to an influx of caloric in-take. Sad, I thought that the first taste of the road my new addidas FORMOTIONs would get would be the treadmill of a c-list hotel. Oh well. I broke ‘em the fuck in. I realized then after that first five miles, that I wasn’t quite sure at all how far I had been running every day. I mean during the usual run, I have a start point and an end point, and I just sort of vacillate between them. But now I was working with a machine that was made how far I went rather painfully obvious. Delighted. Absolutely delighted. For the following days on the ship, regardless of land excursions, I consistently ran 5 miles. If not all at once, a 5k, and then after the pool 2 more miles. The culmination of this was yesterday, when after completing my first 5k in the morning before breakfast and Calica, I returned to the ship for another somewhat surprising 5k… that I strongly believe was brought on by a 30 minute stint in the sauna and lots and lots of water. As you can imagine, I’m a bit pleased with myself. Not the kind of pleased with myself that turns you into a douchebag. The kind the lets you sit down quietly to a nice hot mug of green tea and smile complacently at strangers.
The brings up another fascinating aspect of the trip. A cruise is nearly exactly the opposite of how real life works. In life we have an un-known number of boarders and also and un-known number of people on the way out at any give time. It is without confinement and a bit bewildering. The ship on the other hand has a precisely controlled number of occupants. The same number is allowed on as is allowed off. In that sense it’s even more regulated than the heaven told about in fables about mystic Hebrew god. I can not impress upon a reader the import of this knowledge, and how this confinement forces the occupant into a sort of complacency so much like prison that the occupant is left with two options. Better yourself, or allow yourself to drift into atrophy. I chose… of course, the former. To a degree that surprised me. And I think the other members of my party.
Cozumel happened on Tuesday. Just like all the other port cities in the country that have frequent visitors from the U.S. there are ridiculously underpriced luxury liquors and antibiotics, mood-altering drugs, handbags and watches for the taking duty and tax free. Be advised Ive brought all of my friends back at least a box full of name brand Zanax. You’re going to want to chew half of one of these before having a conversation with me if your going to be closing with me at Starbucks. I promise to preface every conversation with…. ‘When I went snorkeling in Cozumel…’ or… ‘When I was in Mexico….’ And Im sure for the listener thats going to get old real quick. The boat quickly became navigate-able simply by noticing the types of herding that was happening. It can be broken down into a few archetypes. Affluence is a given. Either direct ownership or nearly immediate blood relation. Types include. ‘JCrew models. Male. Late teen and early 20’s’ Pack was nearly always 5 or 6 in number and nearly always only wearing kaki shorts with critter belts. Rainbow sandals and RayBans. Yawn. In passing them you can expect them only to be talking of the doings and thoughts of other facsimiles of themselves. There’s the ‘Nearly almost but not quite dead, and still drinking’ Those had constant froufrou drinks in their claws and many of them traveled in ones and twos being dragged around or pushed ever forward in a wheel chair provided by Carnival. Other types may include ‘Family with 3 smallish children.’ Alpha male nearly always had a Bud-light in his hands, and Alpha female paid little if no mind to the offspring, but fumbled through the spa catalogue and planned her next procedure with a glint of malice in her eyes. Mostly blond women. I hope that gives some insight into the types that I would inevitably bump into on the stair cases. I did not take elevators. Both because they were never faster than just walking where you needed to go, and because everyone else on them was either too stupid or intoxicated to realize how rude they were being in those confined spaces. Also I’d recently watched ‘Devil.’
In Cozumel, beneath the waters of one of the beaches reserved for snorkelers someone had the artistic planning to sink a 25 foot tall statue in the cove. I was surprised to find it. It was sort of a bent shape. Humanoid and unrealistically thin for a person of that height. It’s arms were outstretched and I decided that it must be a dancer. It’s not so well articulated face was turned chin-up towards the skin of the water… like it was trying to feel again what it was like to breathe and to feel the sun on its face. Some said the statue was Jesus. Some said it was Mary. I dunno. It didn’t look like either… and didn’t have any visible sex indicators. I decided it was a dancer. And so to me it will stay. It was 18 feet down to reach it to touch its long undulating arms… I managed to make the distance. Although I believe my lungs were much beleaguered at my rambling attempts. Like all real statues it was meant to be touched. And so in compliance with that compulsion… I did.
Calica was a bit different… And some in the party made note of that, complaining a bit more about it’s heat and boringness. I found it the farthest thing from boring. We made our way to one of the resorts along the beach a few short miles by buss from the port. Abject poverty hid slyly behind the glitz and glamour of architectural investment. After the buss ride, the tour guide ‘Saul’… pronounced ‘SA ooh el’ happily ushered us to a place to store our crap and then where we should begin an underground river swim. 1 mile about. Enjoy-able only for the shocking coldness of the water… I wont speak much of the other occupants of the river. Suffice it to say that it was much like riding the elevators in the boat. Perhaps a little more irritating. There were more people vacationing from France and other places around Mexico. South America even… than I had run into in Cozumel. This park had a re-creation of an Aztec village. Complete with temple and tiny industrial shacks. Most of the workers at the resort found my knowledge of Spanish a surprise and a charm. I made a point to talk to as many people as was comfortable and was interested to learn that many of them lead lives like my own. Complacent. Content. Education levels seemed rather lacking. Mostly because some of the food vendors in the little stands around the coves had a confusing time calculating the exchange rate… I suppose I can hardly blame them for the exchange rate being in the flux that it’s in… or the availability of high quality marijuana to speed their days along and make sure they don’t become overly irritated with the tourists.
Here’s the thing you should know about cruise lines. Most of them limit the amount of personal alcohol you can bring aboard. Mostly because just like prison, they would like to be the sole providers of any luxury. Also the wifi is locked and… should you decided to subscribe to the service they are going to make you mortgage your first born to pay for it. I realized I didn’t much need the internet as it could be a way to force creativity. And trust me there are ways around paying for liquor on the boat. Here are a few handy trips for getting around the cruise employees from snatching your duty/tax free alcohol and locking it up until you’re back state-side. Set up a small trafficking staff. Two will do for most trips. Buyer and Mule. Buyer needs access to a decent amount of cash, depending of course on the amount of alcohol required. Some notes on the mule… They need to be one of two things. And they should always have a large beach bag with two or three clearish plastic containers that are clearly meant for water of soft-drinks.
1. Complicit, Intelligent, and more than a little self assured of success. Bilingual is a plus. Being disarmingly good looking, and smiling easily are not necessary but sure as hell help.
2. Blithely un aware of what’s happening but being a close friend of the Provider. Provider must have constant access to Mules beach bag… also Provider needs to fill a role of leadership and companionship.
I was the former. My success rate is 100% both at American and Mexican borders. Most of you have my contact information if you would like more personal advice and attention. All told we cheated Carnival out of about 400$ in alcohol sales by my rough estimate.
A few more tips on successful for the successful mule:
1. Do not allow confidence to flag. You’ve got this, and probably in the bag. Remember the worst that can happen with legal substances is that it can be acquired by security and held. Such a situation is an acknowledged loss… but lets remember it’s not a gamble if there isn’t a possibility of loss.
2. Don’t allow Purveyor to make transfers too and from clear containers. You’re better off doing it yourself. You know your beach bag better than they do. Also… you’re responsible for convincing the guards that nothing fishy is going on. The best way to do that is to know exactly where everything is.
3. Always choose a public restroom to make transfers. Preferably during a rush of patrons. This was not a problem in a busy port and should not be for you, reader.
4. Move with purpose and think of other things as you make your way to a private restroom stall. Make the transfer and remember to flush the toilet.
5. Lastly… discard the liquor bottle packaging and shopping bag precisely as they were purchased. Optionally you can put all of that in another bag without indication of purchased product. Deposit in a waste receptacle without much concern on your face. You’re good to board. Smile.
